I was taking a detour down memory lane and thought of a funny story. It might be somewhat dirty in the opinion of some, so I apologize in advance, but hey, is this Turkmenistan? No? Good, here goes…
Some time ago I worked in a mall in the suburbs. This of course gave me the opportunity to meet people that were similar to me in every way. We all listened to DMB, loved to drink, washed our hair daily, and were worried about getting into college and getting the fuck out of Milwaukee. Most of us had luxury sedans and houses in Mequon/River Hills/Bayside that were larger than the mall that we worked in, but hey, our parents thought we should have some experience with the underclass, so it went. One night I was invited to a party with a girl that felt we had an somewhat doomed yet fated connection due to our similar interests and lifestyles. I should probably break from my sarcasm briefly to add that at this point in my life I was straightedge (or never was depending on how you view it), listened exclusively to vegan metal, had shoulder length hair, skated all day, talked endlessly about why mathematics and physics, while hard sciences, were still human creations and therefore open to critique; didn’t give a fuck about anything/anyone, wanted to stop breathing…you get the point. I agreed to go to the party.
When I arrived at the house which was slighty smaller than mine, I took the opportunity to tell the owners daughter exactly this..”Nice house, but where does your family keep it’s fifth car?” The party was what it should have been; boys with guitars, girls wasted by 9pm, all the usual things. The girl I was with took a vow of sobriety while hanging out with me, which wasn’t due to anything I said, but probably because she thought I was going to eat her soul if she drank. On the contrary, I couldn’t have cared less, and in this case I didn’t need the help of the fucker sauce anyway. Not to imply that I had any skills, but I/we were young and sometimes it’s just like that. As it happened, the owners daughter decided that she was going to lose her virginity that night whether her friends approved or not. They all tried to get me to talk her out of it, and how did I respond? I told to her to fucking go for it. Responsible? Who fucking cares, we were 18. The girl’s sister was trying desparately to get her to avoid fucking, and then all of the sudden the girl was gone..for a while….well, seven and-a-half minutes to be exact. When her sister found out where she was, she tried to pretend that she was concerned that her sister was in their parents room, NOT that she was enjoying the pleasures of the flesh. “You see_______, I just don’t want anyone coming in there at all. It’s not anywhere else, just in there”. After this was said, the girl in question (who was obviously wasted) came out to console her sister. She looked her sister right in the eye and said in a very matter-of-fact manner..”It’s okay_____, he came on my boobs”. There you are, words of a champion. You see, everything was okay. Nobody came IN THERE, ______ had it all under control.
I can’t say that I don’t miss days like that, but I also can’t say that I yearn for their return. Relegated to the halls of history, we can be assured that no one came IN THERE that night at all…but as for the rest of the summer, no one can be absolutely sure…
Photo of the Something #1 
What do you do when you come accross a chesse platter at Yield? You fucking throw it behind the bar, that’s what.